The Med Controversy

Every day there is a controversy in medicine. Not the ones in hospitals or big pharma, but the one in my pill box. The one in my head. Every day the question comes up and it is avoided. It is put off and ignored until I have to sit myself down and say "Sarah, take your meds." This is usually about noon, when morning has literally passed and I still had not taken my morning meds.
The controversy in my head wages a war between the two sides, and it is a tough fight. Logic says "yes", take your medicine. It makes you better. It's only a pill. Just swallow and move on.
But my head says no. My head says to stop taking them all together. Flush the remaining pills down the toilet and move on with my life. Why? Because they are changing my life.
What if these pills are changing who I am as a person? What if they are changing what identifies me, as me. In some ways my symptoms are part of my character, and suddenly to blunt them is blunting me. My identity is changed.
Or what if this is all made up. Everything is just a sham. I've lied to everyone and there is nothing wrong with me.
Or what if I am just immature and everyone feels the way I feel but I'm less than. I'm weaker. I'm a failure.
The med controversy begins as soon as I wake up when I ignore them. It ends when I give in and take them. A fresh memory of not taking them is still in my mind and it was not pretty. So I take them.
And then at night I take them without a problem. Unless I'm on a med strike in which I lay in bed and glare at the box on my dresser.
The next day, the controversy begins again. What if this is changing who I am? What if it's all a lie? What if I'm being dramatic?
Every day, the med controversy occurs and usually every day, the meds win. But sometimes it builds up in my mind and I begin to cling to an idea and then I stop taking my meds. At which point I end up curled into a crying sobbing suicidal mess and I can feel nothing but darkness. I'm not sure if that's withdrawal or my reaction to not being medicated, but either way it is what happens when I stop taking my meds.
So I take them. Sometimes I don't.