No Motivation

As humans, we are wired to be productive. We may take breaks here and there, or even full days to relax. But for the most part, we are a productive species. We build buildings, we write papers, we mow the lawn, we go for a promotion and go to the gym. We do stuff. Something inside of us drives us to do stuff. The alarm goes off, we jump in the shower, we get dressed and we do stuff.

But what happens when that part of your brain doesn't work properly? What happens when the drive to do stuff isn't there? This happens to me. This is happening to me right now. Writing this and doing 1 load of laundry is all of my productivity today. I have opportunities to be very productive. Every day I have 2.5 hours when all of my children are in school. During that time I could do something productive. Every day, I try. I make tea. I do laundry. I research. I try. But it's a struggle to do anything. Without my children, there is zero motivation because no one is pushing me.

The part of my brain that is supposed to motivate me to get things done is broken. I get all set up, get all my ducks in a row, and when it comes time to execute the task, I just can't. I just can't. All of the motivation that I'm supposed to have isn't there. Instead of taking out the trash I have to drag myself to take out the trash. I ruminate over the laundry pile for hours before I finally start a load. I dread getting out of bed because that's all I want to do today.

But every day I drag myself out of bed and I force myself to complete daily chores. I help the kids get ready for school, I run errands, I take my son to preschool and I try to be productive in the afternoon. Usually I'm not. But that is an improvement from the time when I used to sleep the afternoon away every day. Now I don't sleep but I find things to do, and I force myself to do them.

Having no motivation makes life difficult. Everything is a chore. Every task, no matter how small, is a chore. It's an uphill battle with no end with each step being exhausting.

Tomorrow I will drag myself out of bed. I will make coffee. I will smoke a cigarette and I will prepare for the day mentally. Tomorrow I will force myself just like I did today, and yesterday.