My Children Save Me

My children love me unconditionally. My children are saving me. It is because of them that I am still alive. Imagining their reaction to losing their mother is more than my heart could bear. But they also help me in other ways. They save me from myself.
Not getting out of bed, not showering, not eating, no motivation to do anything, feeling physically sick and on the verge of tears are some of the things I deal with sometimes. But my kids make me. I have to get out of bed, I need to help them get ready for school. I have to shower, my young son asks me to shower with him. I eat because they eat and I don't like to waste food. They pull me from the couch for parent teacher conferences and birthday parties as well as the whole pick up/drop off routine. I don't want to participate but I have to. I have to attend those things because what kind of parent would I be if I did not? Those are important things. I want to be there for the important things.
The day that I desperately searched our house for ways to kill myself and my husband held me down on the bed, he told me about our kids. Our daughter's wedding, our son's graduation, grandchildren. Those are all important things too. I have to be there for them. I sobbed as he named off what I would miss out on and how my children would feel as they had a milestone without their mother.
It is because of my children that I sought help. It is because of them that I fought when I have had to fight. It is because of them that I try to do better. Be better. It is because of them that I try my best. Of course some days are better than others but I try. It is because of them that I try.
Sometimes all I want is a studio apartment to myself. That way I have no one to disappoint, no one to drag down my path. But I know if I was alone, I would have offed myself already. I know their childhood is going to be different because they are growing up with me as a mom, but they are saving me everyday.