The last week or so, a post has been trending on facebook. It goes something like:
"Hey, I'm trying to prove a friend wrong, if
I can get 3 people to repost this to show that
people really do care." #suicideawareness
Or something like that. I appreciate the effort. I'm not sure exactly what reposting a post is supposed to prove because when you're in a life or death situation, a memory of who posted what a few months ago, will not be there. I have 200 something friends and I can count on one hand the number of people I would contact if I were suicidal. Not that the other friends don't matter or I don't trust them, but I know these handful of people will know what to do. They will know what to say and how to get me help. They will contact who needs to be contacted and they will follow up.
I know this because this has happened many times. I have been to that point where the quick sand is swallowing me and I reach out one last time, and these people have pulled me from the abyss by finding me help, contacting my family, keeping in contact with me and asking me the hard questions. You have to know what it feels like to be suicidal in order to know what to say.
Being suicidal appears to be threats and only that. A person is suicidal because they are saying they want to kill themselves and sometimes, they actually do. People on the outside view it as an external behavior. What people don't understand is the significance and impact of the internal thoughts, what you can't see.
When I'm suicidal, my mind is racing with reasons why it would be a good idea. My mind twists things around and makes excuses. It convinces me that I should kill myself. A slideshow of my dead body plays in my mind and I can't stop it or ignore it. Over and over I see myself hanging from a tree or in a bath tub with blood. The images loop around and if I close my eyes it's all that I see. At this point I'm decided on killing myself. My mind has already been made up. On the outside, I say nothing. No one knows what is going on in my head. No one knows the images that I'm seeing. On the outside, I seem content.
After this, at some point, I realize that I need help. So once, for just a second, just one attempt, I will reach out and see if anyone grabs me. If no one reaches back it feeds into my self-fulfilling prophecy that no one cares. But every time, someone has reached back.
I confide in them where I'm at. I'm at the decided stage. I've made up my mind that I have to die and I'm beginning to mentally plan a good date and time, a clean mess free method and something that will get the job done. If I don't contact anyone, if I'm alone and I could do it, I start to rapidly think of ways that I could do it now. Anything. A train, a gun, rope hanging somewhere, a plastic bag.
One time I reached that point quickly due to trauma and I began to frantically run through the house attempting to grab any knives or pills I could get my hands on. I just couldn't live for another second. I couldn't take the pain anymore. My family would be better off without me. I'm a burden. They deserve better. I'm a failure. I don't deserve to be alive. I just take up space. I'm pathetic. The world is better off without me. I'm a parasite. I am doing everyone a favor.
My mind races while images of my dead body fly through my head as well as ideas on what I could do to accomplish to the task. I appear silent. Preoccupied. Quiet. But my head is nothing but quiet. It is deafening and screaming at me. It is so loud that I can barely carry on a conversation. I wish I could turn down the volume but I can't.
I'm slowly slipping towards the white light and no one around me is even aware of what's going on. If you asked how I was doing I would say "ok", but I was not "ok". I was anything but. Having never had a successful suicide attempt (obviously) I don't know what it's like to be in the final moments before your own death. But I do know what it's like to be sucked in to the obsession of your own death, and to have your mind convince you it's a good idea.
When a person reaches out, TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY. I cannot stress that enough. People (typically) do not threaten suicide for attention. Wanting to live is a basic human instinct. Having the obsession to die is seriously dangerous. Try to convince them to go to the ER or a Crisis Center. Try to convince them to contact a suicide hotline. Contact their family if possible. Them reaching out to you could be the only thing keeping them from attempting suicide. This can be their one chance and you can save them.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
Online Chat:
http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
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