A secret

I have been seeing my therapist for over a year. She knows me better than most people. Actually, considering I share with her my deepest secrets and darkest fears, she probably knows me better than anyone. It is nice to have someone to share those secrets with.
It was at our last appointment that we approached the subject of a new diagnosis. I obviously have bipolar II (even though I doubt my diagnosis all the time). My chronic wave of moods has been blunted with medication but I still deal with them. As we talked about my symptoms the topic of my hallucinations and delusions came up. I again described what I was experiencing. Again, these have been blunted with medication but they were still present, and it didn't matter what mood I was in, I still saw little brown animals scurry across the floor and I still became paranoid that government officials were watching me when I came across a person with a walkie talkie or holding a notebook. I no longer believe my neighbors are peeking through my windows and I don't hang blankets over the windows anymore, but nevertheless, they were still present.
As I explained the small (to me, they are small) hallucinations and delusions I was experiencing, she folded her arms and observed quietly. She knew something I didn't know. She has seen me in every mood and she knows all of my symptoms.
Schizoaffective is what she suggested. I've heard that word before. My doctor had also suspected schizoaffective when I explained my symptoms. But he proclaimed it was "just a label", and prescribed me medication for schizoaffective but did not change my diagnosis. He mentioned it again at another appointment and he always asked about my hallucinations and delusions at each appointment. It was an ongoing discussion.
At my last appointment with my therapist we read books together that described schizoaffective and the criteria one needs to meet in order to be diagnosed.
I met the criteria.
There is one thing that I don't meet and that is the fact that I have Bipolar II, and schizoaffective only talks about Bipolar I. But surely there is a spectrum. And surely because I have Bipolar II doesn't mean that I can't have schizoaffective just because the book fails to mention Bipolar II when describing schizoaffective because I meet all the criteria.
Before my diagnosis did not include my hallucinations and delusions. Bipolar II specifically states that it does not have these symptoms, only in Bipolar I are they present. But I do not have Bipolar I. So my "extra" symptoms were being treated but were not acknowledged in my diagnosis.
It is now acknowledged. I have Schizoaffective-Bipolar Type. And all of my symptoms fit neatly in that box.
Schizoaffective is a progressive disorder, meaning it gradually gets worse over time. But treatment can slow or even stop that progression. The worse prognosis is going mute, not getting out of bed for weeks or months on end and the inability to care for yourself. Group homes is where patients sometimes end up. Inability to hold a job and homelessness are possible factors.
At this point I am able to function on a day to day basis. I bathe regularly. I cook and clean and care for my children. There are times when I just simply can't, and on those days I just simply don't. I do the bare minimum and nothing more. One of the symptoms of Schizoaffective is lack of motivation or drive to do anything and that is something I struggle with. Whether depression is present or not, I lack the motivation to live a life but my children force me to because I want to be a good mother for them. I want them to have good memories. I want to be supportive and loving. So most of the time, even when I don't feel like it, I still participate in this thing called life. And I do it for them. If it wasn't for them, I would have committed suicide by now.
Having this new diagnosis explains my extra symptoms and sheds light on some things, like my lack of motivation (even though I still push myself to live, for my children).
But having this new diagnosis carries a lot of weight. It is Bipolar and Schizophrenia mixed together. I am REALLY crazy now. But I have a name to put with it all and that is refreshing. Nothing has changed really. My medication will stay the same. My symptoms have not changed. But the name of my disorder has changed. And I am still coming to terms with that.