Where do I begin?

When I realized I had Bipolar Disorder, a light bulb switched on. After all these years, everything made sense. My quirks and approach to life had a medical reason. All those times I would devote my life to a project or cause, to then walk away a few days later with no emotion, had a medical cause. All of my questions about myself were answered. I finally knew why I had panic attacks, why social situations made my heart hyperventilate, why I had struggled with waves of depression since the 6th grade. My dozens of issues all fit nicely and neatly in a bag titled "Bipolar Disorder Type II". The comorbidity of an anxiety disorder with Bipolar is extremely high (over 85%) so all of my anxieties were explained as well. Everything made sense.

But it left me with one question: Where does Bipolar end, and I begin? If my quirks are bipolar. If my habits and overall demeanor, my sensitive nature, overly emotional reactions and my anxious personality are all attributed to a mental health disorder, then who is genuinely Sarah?

If I list out all of my most prominent personality traits in bullet points, and then cross off each bullet point that is a bipolar symptom, I would have essentially nothing left to attribute to my own personality.

Furthermore, and most troubling, is my ability and desire to write. I began writing when I was in junior high. I have always kept journals, written poetry and written short stories. For a time, I wrote for a newspaper, I have written and composed countless newsletters and short magazines and here I am writing again in this blog. There is a very strong link between creativity/intelligence and mental illnesses, particularly, Bipolar Disorder.

So, my most valued trait, my ability and love of writing, is present only because I have Bipolar Disorder? The very thing that has allowed me to pass school, express my severe emotions, and has paved my path in life, is essentially a symptom of a mental illness I posses?

Where do I begin? What is not attributed to Bipolar? Some would argue that my having Bipolar is simply who I am, and there is no need or purpose to attempt to separate myself from it. It simply is, and I simply am. But even then, I wonder who I would be, and what I would do, if I did not have Bipolar?

My quirks and eccentritism, writing, sensitive nature, anxious demeanor and overall personality is a result of having Bipolar II. Bipolar is who I am. I have read many articles demanding that "Bipolar does not define me" and "I am not Bipolar, I HAVE Bipolar" but I personally disagree. My Bipolar is who I am. It is my personality. It is my goals. It is my fears. It is my anxieties. It is my nightmares. It is me. Where do I begin? I begin with Bipolar.

The trick however, is to not allow it to rule me. While having Bipolar absolutely defines who I am, I have to control it in the way you would control a horse. The sporadic and wild nature of it will require my control. Sarah may begin with Bipolar, but it is up to me to control the sails and ride the waves with confidence and control.