Water

With grace and ease

No struggle or strain

They gently carried their water

No grimacing, no pain

Consistent, intentional steps

On the dry earth beneath

Nothing poured out

No puddles beneath

I struggled and stammered

Walking in a jagged line

My water spilling out

Over the top and down the side

My water sloshed and spilled

Puddles and Drops

Flowing over the edges

splashes and plops

How do they not spill, like I

Their water stays put

No drops or mistakes

No wet ground underfoot

Then I looked down

And saw my basket with holes

Their buckets were solid

And mine had holes

There are people in my life that I have learned to avoid. Why? Because they have it all together. Because it's embarrassing to have such high anxiety while they stand there with such grace. It is embarrassing to be mentally hyperventilating, my thoughts screaming and swirling while they make conversation with ease. So I hide. I say hello and I hide. And I hate myself. The goals they have achieved, their accomplishments.

My emotional breakdowns have been seen by all. In my teens it was "hormones". Then I grew older, and my breakdowns continued. I would sob openly, one small thing triggering an explosion of tears or anger. One question, one observation. Of course it was not sudden to me. My irritability, sadness or grief had been quietly building in my mind. "Are you ok?" They would ask, noting my quiet mood or avoided eye contact. "Just fine" I would lie. "You alright?", "Yeah, just tired." I would say. The days would pile on to my brain, my water spilling out the sides. The mental agony continued until one moment, I would lose control. I would drop my basket of water and want to give up. All the while, everyone else around me continued to carrier their bucket of water without spilling a single drop.