An open letter to my loved ones

Hello. First of all, I would like to say that I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. I know you want to be supportive of me, but you aren't quite sure how to do that exactly. Honestly, I don't know exactly what you should do either. This is all foreign to me as well. If I knew what you should do, I would make a list and pin it to the fridge. But I have no idea. What I do know, however, is what does NOT help. I know what hurts. I know what makes me feel alone. I know what makes me want to crawl inside myself. So here are a few things that you can avoid doing in an effort of being more supportive:

1. "Don't let it/allow it/make it worse."
I don't allow anything. If I allowed it, I would allow it to go away. Forever and ever, amen. I have a brain disorder, or a chemical imbalance, whichever makes you feel like it's a legitimate illness, because it is that exactly.. a legitimate illness. An Illness I cannot control. An illness that I suffer from. I have no control over the switch that reads "high/low", and I also have no regulation of how high or how low I go. What I do have is coping skills. I cope by coloring, swimming, cleaning and walking. The depression is still there, it is still just as severe as it was when I was lying in bed wrapped in blankets, but when I am using a coping skill, I am doing something to take my mind off of it. But I could color a thousand pages or swim a million laps and the depression would still be there, just as severe as it was before I put my bathing suit on. I have no control (I HAVE NO CONTROL) over how often, how severe, how long or how depressed I get. What I do have control over is my coping skills.

2. "You should get up and do something"
(Insert first paragraph here)
But also, sometimes the depression is so severe that I simply and physically CAN'T do anything but lay in bed. Sometimes I am so depressed that my mind takes over and I can't even formulate coherent sentences. At this point, I am PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE of watching TV, walking, writing, talking. Sometimes, I won't even try, or attempt to try. I won't even pretend to try because I just simply can't. And laying wrapped in blankets on the bed is my coping skill because in that moment, at that time, the only thing I want to do is find a strong tree and hang myself. But instead I have decided to wrap myself tightly in a blanket and stare off into oblivion until the urge to kill myself has passed. So please, don't ask me to go for a walk or guilt me into watching tv. Hug me. Love me. I am struggling tremendously. And bring me a water bottle because I am probably thirsty.

3. Avoid me/don't talk to me/ignore me
In addition to being depressed, I also get delusions which can be quite major but also quite small. Sometimes I am convinced that a friend is mad at me, or that YOU are mad at me. So walk down the hall without even saying hello. Then you leave for the store without letting me know. You don't call for weeks on end. I need you to say hello. I need you to ask how I am doing. I need you to smile at me. My depression lies to me, and I become convinced that I am the target of everyone's anger. So your simple smile, or hello, text, call, or head popping in the room with a small conversation means the world to me. When you avoid me, don't talk to me or ignore me, I assume the worst. I assume you hate me, you don't care, you are mad at me, you don't love me. My lies to me so I need you to show me that you do care and you do love me by making small gestures to remind me that I am loved and cared about. A "normal" person wouldn't need so much reassurance, but I do. I need a lot of reassurance all the time. So ask me how my day was.

I don't know what to do about my brain disorder. If I knew how to handle it and deal with it, I would. But I don't. It may take years of therapy and a lifetime of medication to get it under control. I don't know what to tell you to make me feel better because that's a lot to ask. And I have no idea where to begin on how to make me better. But what I do know is that sometimes a small comment burns in my heart. It invalidates my brain disorder and makes me feel like a childish whining loser. My brain tells me all the time that I am a childish whining loser, so I really don't need anyone on the outside to reinforce that idea because I do that enough on my own.

I love you, and thank you for trying. I know it's hard to deal with me. I'm a hot mess. But I appreciate all your effort and love you have shown. It means the world to me.